POLICE INVESTIGATE LOCAL MAN FOR NOT ATTENDING GLASTONBURY 2025
“Suspicious behavior,” say authorities after man opts out of nation’s favorite festival
July 1, 2025 | Somerset, UK — In an unusual turn of events, police have launched an investigation into a 34-year-old man from Bristol after it was discovered that he did not attend this year’s Glastonbury Festival — a decision that some officials are calling “deeply suspicious.”
The man, whose identity has not been released, reportedly told friends he was “just not feeling it this year,” and instead spent the weekend at home reading, cooking lasagna, and “catching up on sleep.” Neighbours alerted local authorities after failing to hear even a single muffled echo of Elton John or Beyoncé from his flat over the weekend.
“He wasn’t covered in glitter, his phone wasn’t dead, and there was no mud on his boots,” said one neighbour. “It just didn’t sit right with me.”
Somerset Police say the investigation is still in the early stages, but have confirmed that officers visited the man’s residence on Sunday night. They found him “calm, hydrated, and fully clothed — a clear deviation from post-Glastonbury norms.”
“We’re not saying a crime has been committed,” said Inspector Julie Harrow, “but in a year when even King Charles was spotted crowd-surfing near the Pyramid Stage, opting out entirely is, at best, antisocial. At worst, it’s radical.”
A preliminary search of the man’s recycling bin revealed no cider cans, wristbands, or biodegradable glitter — only a Guardian Weekend supplement and a tub of hummus.
The man has not been arrested, but authorities have asked him to explain his whereabouts during Dua Lipa’s headline set.
When reached for comment, the man appeared relaxed. “I love Glasto, I just needed a break this year,” he said. “I’ll probably go in 2026 — if Aphex Twin headlines.”
As the nation recovers from what is widely considered “the most euphoric mudbath in recent memory,” officials are urging citizens to report any friends or family members who displayed “concerning levels of sobriety” between June 25 and June 30.
Public tip line: 0800-NO-WELLY
